Tempi · duri · per · i · vampiri

[This cracks me up, and don't you dare take me it is offensive. And yes, it is old, but I never saw the complete one before.]

Answering Machine Message at the Mental Health Institute

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

roger_kuin intones:

PS re title: did you hear the one about Bush's and Cheney's White House breakfast?

Waitress asks them what they'd like.

Cheney says, "Just some hotcakes and syrup,, please."

"And you, Mr President?" she asks.

"I'd like a quickie," says Dubya.

"Well, I never!" she bridles. "Mr President, you're getting as bad as your predecessor!"

As she flounces out, Cheney whispers to Bush, "George, it's pronounced 'quiche'..."